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How My Worst Romantic Relationship Saved My Life (Thank You John Newman:-)

My worst romantic relationship ever was with a guy named John Newman. My relationship with John Newman was one of the most powerful, yet toxic relationships that I’ve ever been in. John was tall, dark and handsome …and a cheater and a liar. He was the best liar I’ve ever met. Please understand me that when I say this guy was such a great liar, I mean he should have parlayed his skill for lying into a career! I tell the entire story and all the dirty details in my bestseller, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating.

However, looking back on this relationship, I now realize that this relationship provided an opportunity for me to grow spiritually and strengthen my relationship with God. Sometimes the relationships that take YOU away from who you really are as a person are the ones where you HAVE to find yourself again. From the good and bad relationships, we have to learn and grow so that you can attract love into your life. But unfortunately, the sad reality is that some women don’t want to grow; they just want a man, at any cost. As a result, women end up repeating a cycle of unsuccessful relationships. Many of us still think that a relationship’s primary purpose is to fulfill OUR needs and desires. We begin to think of relationships in terms of what we can get from someone. Some of us are waiting for a romantic relationship to end boredom, loneliness, depression or insecurity; which is ultimately going to leave us unfulfilled.

As a result of my horrible relationship with John Newman, I had to devote time and energy to focus on my spiritual growth and development but I learned so much about God, myself and relationships, in general. I’ll share what I learned about relationships:

First, what if I were to tell you that romantic relationships are opportunities to discover your capacity to love, forgive, heal and grow as a person. Since romantic relationships spark the best and worst in us, they provide an opportunity for growth and spiritual development. Romantic relationships allow mutual expression and sharing between two people, which makes it the ultimate tool for self-assessment and personal development.

Second, I think of relationships as our assignments in life. We are assigned people from whom we can learn valuable lessons. That’s why we have to focus on learning and growing from our experience with our romantic partners—not on making them “the one.” When a person leaves our life, it may be because the lesson has been learned; so learn the lesson, use it to help yourself grow, and be optimistic about what life has to offer you next. As the song says…”it’s on to the next!”
God brings people into our life that provide the maximal opportunity for mutual growth (meaning you ultimately met to help you grow in love, character, patience, etc). If you’ve been repeating the same type of experiences with men, it may be that you have yet to learn the lessons that will allow you to grow from those relationships. Ask yourself, “Am I learning from my relationships? If so, what am I learning?” Seriously, think about the man in your life right now and ask yourself, “As a result of the relationship with him, what am I learning about myself? Am I growing as a person?”

Relationships provide several levels of teaching and learning. The first level of teaching comes from what is known as the casual encounter, such as people we meet in an elevator or at the grocery store. At this level, these casual encounters allow us to refine our personalities. Our personal weaknesses that are evident in casual encounters typically appear magnified in more intimate relationships. If we are rude and nasty with the grocery store clerk, we will likely be even more rude and nasty with the individuals we love the most.

The second level of teaching is a more sustained relationship in which two people enter into a more intense teaching and learning experience, and then eventually separate. Some of these relationships will be friendships and others, professional or romantic. If you open yourselves up and try not to make marriage the outcome in these romantic relationships, you will go through experiences that will provide you both with lessons for your personal growth. Many of us experience this type of romantic relationship, but have difficulty with the physical separation that will and should happen. Know that physically the relationship will appear to have ended, but mentally and spiritually the relationships will provide long-lasting change in your life. That’s why it’s important to never abandon the person when you’re leaving the relationship. Don’t treat the ex like a second-class citizen. It’s essential that we honor the eternal nature of relationships. If a person ends the physical aspects of a relationship properly, you then can go into your next relationship with a stronger capacity to love, from a healed, whole place. When a marriage ends, it could be that there are no longer any opportunities for mutual growth. People tend to view these marriages as failures; in reality, if both people learned what they were supposed to learn from each other, than it was a successful relationship!

The third level of teaching is for relationships that last all of our lives, because the other person provides us with unlimited opportunities for learning and growing. These relationships will teach us a lifetime of lessons. Just by the mere fact that these individuals are in our lives forces us to grow and become better individuals. These relationships don’t happen frequently; instead, single women tend to spend too much time and effort trying to create this type of lifelong relationship with every new man they meet. By doing this, we set ourselves up for continual disappointment every time a relationship ends. So, think of your relationships as opportunities to discover your capacity to love, forgive, heal and grow as a person!

JJ Smith (www.JJSmithOnline.com) is a nutritionist and certified weight-management specialist who has been featured on The Montel Williams Show, The Jamie Foxx Show and on the NBC, FOX, CBS and CW networks. Her advice has also been featured in the pages of Glamour, Essence, and Ladies Home Journal. Since reclaiming her health, losing weight, and discovering a “second youth” in her forties, bestselling author JJ Smith has become the voice of inspiration to women who want to lose weight, be healthy, and get their sexy back! JJ may be contacted by email at info@jjsmithonline.com and on Twitter: jjsmithonline and Facebook Page: RealTalkJJ

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Open Letter to The Unhappy Single Woman!

Are you unhappy? Do you think it’s because you don’t have a man or he’s not doing what you want him to do? Well, your unhappiness has little to do with him and you shouldn’t place the blame on him. In fact, don’t rely on any man for your happiness! Please don’t do that! When a man doesn’t do what I want him to do, I just say he’s putting me in a bad mood so I do things that get me back to my “happy place.”

 Ladies: Our first priority is to learn to be happy without a man. If you are unhappily single, it will be important to change that so you can get the most out of your single days. Being single should be one of the best times of your life. It is your time to discover what you want out of life, what your goals are, and what you need from a man.

I know you might be thinking that you don’t want to enjoy being single; you want to get married. Well, if that is your end goal, you need to know that how you live as a single person determines the type of men you attract into your life. Having a full, productive single life is key to achieving a fulfilling committed relationship. If you are unhappy single, you will likely be unhappy married, except you can then blame your spouse instead of yourself for your unhappiness. Well, when you are living the life you want as a single woman, you will attract the man who is right for you.

Dating a man is supposed to be fun and add to your life. It shouldn’t become your whole life. Your first goal should be to improve your own life by becoming an independent, productive woman with goals, dreams and fulfilling activities. Women can afford to think more like men in this area. Instead of worrying about what he wants or what makes him happy, figure out what is going to make you happy. What are you really passionate about, and what do you enjoy doing? Do you have a rich social life with great friends and loving family members?

It’s important to learn to be happy while you’re single. Single women are beginning to realize that they actually have a lot of time to create a meaningful life for themselves, and they are deciding to pursue their dreams. Being single is not a problem, but an opportunity to reinvest in your life and your spiritual growth. Maximize your career, interests, hobbies and relationships while you’re single, and make that time the best days of your life.

I don’t believe that I have to be married and have a husband to be complete and happy. I know that if my life isn’t already fulfilled when I meet a man, than neither he nor marriage can make me happy or fulfilled. Nothing outside of YOU can produce long-lasting satisfaction and happiness—no man, money, job, house or car can produce true fulfillment in life.
 
Many single women jump in and out of relationships because they don’t want to be alone. There is a major difference between being “lonely” and “aloneness.”
Know that you may be alone, but you don’t have to be lonely in life. Alone is defined as separate, apart, unique or unequaled. In contrast, being lonely is defined as lacking friendly companionship. If you have a full life of family, friends and dates, you don’t have to lack companionship in your life and, therefore, you don’t have to be lonely.

Being single and alone can be a wonderful experience. It’s the perfect time for adventure, fun, romance, self-discovery and renewal. Before you get into a relationship, learn to be happy alone. Work on your personal happiness and enjoying the wonderful friends and family in your life.

JJ Smith (http://www.jjsmithonline.com/) is a nutritionist and certified weight-management specialist who has been featured on The Montel Williams Show, The Jamie Foxx Show and on the NBC, FOX, CBS and CW networks. Her advice has also been featured in the pages of Glamour, Essence, and Ladies Home Journal. Since reclaiming her health, losing weight, and discovering a “second youth” in her forties, bestselling author JJ Smith has become the voice of inspiration to women who want to lose weight, be healthy, and get their sexy back! JJ may be contacted by email at info@jjsmithonline.com and on Twitter: jjsmithonline and Facebook Page: RealTalkJJ

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Top 6 Ways to Tell If You’re Dating an Unavailable Man

When dating, there are certain relationships that are harmful and downright dangerous. These are relationships with unavailable men―the men who are not available or ready to have a meaningful relationship with a woman. This type of relationship has very little chance of long-term success. Many older wiser women have already been down this road, and they know better than to get involved with an unavailable man. As a result, this advice is generally geared for younger women. In my book, Why I Love Men, The Joys of Dating, I discuss five types of unavailable men to avoid when dating and how to find ways to identify the unavailable man. A woman’s intuition will generally give her clues that a man is unavailable for a meaningful relationship; however, if you need some more concrete ways to determine this, see the list below:

    • He can never answer his phone around you. When I was younger, I had a boyfriend who used to always answer his phone when we were together. One day when I visiting with my aunt, I told her about how his phone was always ringing. My aunt said, “Don’t worry about that; worry when he doesn’t answer his phone around you.” I thought to myself, Good point.”
    • He constantly borrows money from you and everyone in his family. He also never keeps a job or is always between jobs. If he is frequently getting fired from a job, that is a very bad sign!
    • He wants to spend time at your place only. This means he either lives with someone or never knows when a woman could come knocking at his door. He may also want to hang out at your place instead of going out in public for fear of being seen with you.
    • He is inconsistent about when he calls and sees you. He also has sex with you less and less. If a man’s sex drive drops off significantly, he could be having sex with someone else. One of my girlfriends always kept count of her boyfriend’s condom supply and used that to measure if he was sleeping with someone else. I wondered why she just never asked him if he was cheating.
    • He can never be definitive about making plans or is constantly canceling. This is my pet peeve. If a man needs to keep his plans open (in case something better comes along), then he shouldn’t be a priority on your dating list.
  • He stops bringing you around family and friends. This is because he is afraid his simple friends will accidentally blow his cover. I actually did that to a guy friend of mine. Not on purpose, of course. But I told the woman he was with, “You look so different from when we hung out last week but maybe it was the lighting in the restaurant?” The woman said, “I’ve never met you before.” I said, “My mistake… maybe it was someone else!” This guy was always trying to get over on women.

It is important to determine if a guy is unavailable before you get involved in a serious relationship with him and the clues above can help you do that.

JJ Smith (www.JJSmithOnline.com) is a nutritionist and certified weight-management specialist who has been featured on The Montel Williams Show, The Jamie Foxx Show and on the NBC, FOX, CBS and CW networks. Her advice has also been featured in the pages of Glamour, Essence, and Ladies Home Journal. Since reclaiming her health, losing weight, and discovering a “second youth” in her forties, bestselling author JJ Smith has become the voice of inspiration to women who want to lose weight, be healthy, and get their sexy back! JJ may be contacted by email at info@jjsmithonline.com and on Twitter: jjsmithonline and Facebook Page: RealTalkJJ

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Top 12 Ways to Know If He is Into You

While dating a man, there are many different roles that we can play. However, most of us end up playing the role that he chooses for us. It is time that we take control of our dating life and decide if we want to be in his life. Instead of trying to make the relationship something it is never gonna be, you decide if the role he wants you to play is acceptable to you. In my book, Why I Love Men: The Joys of Dating, I discuss the 5 roles that a man may want you to play. This will allow you to determine if that role is right for you and meets your needs at that particular time in your life. Only you should decide if you want to play that role and continue in the relationship with him. If not, quickly move on to the next guy. Trying to make a relationship something it’s not is a waste of time.

There is one role that I discuss in the book that most women strive for and that is the role of Wifey/Girlfriend. If a man is really into you, he will want you to play this role in his life. The Wifey/Girlfriend is that role reserved for the one person he feels is irreplaceable in his life. Wifey/Girlfriend is the sexiest, most successful, and most respected of all the women. He respects her, either her talents, knowledge, faith or something else beyond how she looks. He generally respects and admires many aspects of her persona. These women are often sweet and kind. They soften a man and allow him to be masculine. They are warm, kind and bring peace to his life. They generally are understanding and supportive in his life’s endeavors and she is the first to hear of important news in his life. She is loved, needed and wanted by her man. She is the woman that a guy will love and will always love, and he never wants to see her with another man. In short, if he is really into you, he will want you to play this most important role in his life. So, how can you tell if he wants you to play the role of Wifey/Girlfriend? Here are some signs to know if he sees you as Wifey/Girlfriend material:

  • He wants to spend significant time with you and even shows public displays of affection with you.
  • He seeks your opinion and approval on things that matter to him and you become his best friend.
  • He introduces you to his mom, family, friends and co-workers. You fit into his social lifestyle.
  • His sexual interest is generally always there.
  • He leaves you alone at his place or leaves his phone unattended.
  • He falls asleep cuddling you.
  • He enjoys looking at photos of you.
  • He’ll call you several times throughout the day, just to chat or check in.
  • It’s difficult for him to say no to you.
  • He’ll ask you on a date and spend time with you outside of the house.
  • He introduces you as his woman, girl, lady, etc.
  • He attends a wedding or funeral (emotionally charged events) with you.

If your man is doing most of the items above, you can rest assured that he is really into you, and you are playing that ever important role of Wifey/Girlfriend in his life. Knowing the role we play in the dating relationship is empowering because it is about taking control of our dating life and making decisions that are best for us. Remember, trying to make a relationship something that it is not is a waste of time.

JJ Smith (www.JJSmithOnline.com) is a nutritionist and certified weight-management specialist who has been featured on The Montel Williams Show, The Jamie Foxx Show and on the NBC, FOX, CBS and CW networks. Her advice has also been featured in the pages of Glamour, Essence, and Ladies Home Journal. Since reclaiming her health, losing weight, and discovering a “second youth” in her forties, bestselling author JJ Smith has become the voice of inspiration to women who want to lose weight, be healthy, and get their sexy back! JJ may be contacted by email at info@jjsmithonline.com and on Twitter: jjsmithonline and Facebook Page: RealTalkJJ

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So You Think You’re In Love… But Which Type of Love Relationship Do You Have?

Many people dream of meeting “the one,” getting married, and living happily ever after. Especially as women, we dream of romance and falling in love with that special person. This type of love is known as Eros love, which is that emotional or romantic love that constitutes the feeling of being “in love.” Eros love is that intense sexual desire or overwhelming longing or craving for someone.

However, there are other types of love that we need in our life, namely Philos love (friendship love) and Agape love (unconditional love). To feel completely satisfied and fulfilled, we need all three loves to be present in our lives. However, too many of us only focus on romantic (Eros) love, and we look for someone to “complete” us. We just want to get married and “live happily ever after.”

Over the years, through self-study and exploration, I’ve learned that there are three types of love: Eros, Philos and Agape. Understanding the three types of love has been enlightening for me and has improved the quality of my relationships. Here’s a summary:

Eros Love: The English word “erotic” is derived from Eros, and it has to do with the sensual passions. Eros love is also known as romantic or emotional love, and it constitutes the feeling of being “in love.” This love is best expressed through our senses—touch, sight, hearing, etc. Eros is similar to lust, which is that intense sexual desire or overwhelming longing or craving for someone. Eros or lust is generally hormonally driven. Estrogen and testosterone are the hormones that work like magnets to draw men and women together. Eros love is good in a relationship if it is balanced with the other two loves because it allows for intimate sexual relations with someone and keeps the flame and spark in the relationship. (more…)

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